Friday, February 13, 2009

The purpose of this blog is to open up dialogue about my book. I have talked to lots of women and some men re. favorite chapters..the chapter on Settling seems to be of particular interest. I believe most people, women and men, can feel a kindred to this chapter since most people have settled for less in some areas of our lives. Once we label a behavior or action, it takes on significance or meaning..we are then able to see the reality of what is going on in our life.
We're also able to change what we don't like..this gives us the opportunity to acknowledge and then change what we don't like.


Anonymous said...
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Ann said...

I don't feel anyone starts off "settling." In regards to relationships, you meet someone, you began dating, you discover you have much in common, communication between the two are great. After enough time has gone by and the relationship has grown in a positive direction, you marry, buy a home, and are blessed with children. But, by now a few years have passed and all of a sudden the spouse you knew has changed. That once beautiful communication you had with one another is gone. You suggest therapy to your spouse but he or she refuses. So you look at your situation and conclude that you can't financially afford to leave the marriage and you feel leaving the marriage would be devasting to the children. So, what do you end up doing......staying and settling.

Nancy Whitaker, Licensed Psychotherapist said...

You do not have to have options. Sometimes, taking responsibility to have the life you really want is too stressful & involves too much change so we tell ourselves it's just easier to accept things as they are.
It's obvious you love your children; it sounds like you've convinced yourself you have to stay for them. Clearly, you can't make your husband get counseling but you can seek counseling for yourself to help clarify some things & make the best decision for you and the children.
Your husband may surprise you & join you at some point.
Please keep in mind, settling is're also choosing for your children.

Ann said...

So, Ms. Nancy, do you feel there can exist a circumstance or situation when it is OK to settle or are you indicating there is never a reason for anyone to "settle"?

Nancy Whitaker, Licensed Psychotherapist said...

I don't believe we are to knowingly settle. But if you realize you are, acknowledge it; then decide you will take steps to change your circumstances. That may or may not involve getting out of the relationship; but for sure don't just sit in that misery. Be patient with yourself, it will take time and effort.
Get counseling or coaching to help you plan what is a realistic action for you to take.

Anonymous said...

I have "settled" in relationships only to be unhappy and end up leaving the relationship. I have been alone for a lot of years, and it has been difficult for me to find what I am looking for. Sometimes I feel that if I don't settle I won't date at all.

Nancy Whitaker, Licensed Psychotherapist said...

Dating and settling ought not to be mentioned in the same sentence.
When you're dating someone it should be for fun without giving much thought to a future with this person.
I've noticed that too many women meet guys and try to prematurly turn them into instant boyfriends. When they aren't successful, they shut down for a while only to become more desperate in the long run; that usually sets the stage for settling.
As I state in my book, "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince." Why not just date without giving much thought to a relationship.